Positive Update

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I  have been absent for awhile.  Life just really got busy for me.  However, I’ve done okay with eating for the past month or so.  I have had ups and downs, but I have done better than I ever have since dealing with this. It’s the positive step I needed to feel as if I could truly beat this eating disorder that had consumed my life.  While it is still very present within my life, I feel as if it will one day be only a weak force I sometimes battle with and not this powerful entity that can fight a full-fledged war.

The more progress I make, the more I find myself fighting harder and harder to overcome it.  I don’t want to go back to where I once was.  The determination that once only seemed to be a visitor in my life has taken root, and while not deeply rooted just yet, the hold is that is there is strong enough to withstand a lot.

While most of what I have to say is positive, there are still those days I struggle and want to quit.  It’s still tough, and it is the one that I consider to be the most consistent and stable element of this entire thing.  Today, I feel fat.  I’m tired and just want to be left alone.  However, I will not give into and will continue to fight back and try to get better.

I still do not know what tomorrow holds, but I feel better about it than I once did, and it is a feeling I like.

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Better

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I’ve been doing better over the past few days.  It’s been very difficult to make myself eat, but I have done so much better with dealing with those thoughts.  The effort has been exhausting, but I know that it will all eventually be worth it.

While some of this will one day hopefully be a distant memory, I think I will never be too far away from the rollercoaster ride of an eating disorder.  I may always be on it.  It may just be a matter of whether or not I am upside down, right side up, or going around in circles.  I think what it will become for me what sort of interval is between each type of ride.

For me, life in general can be a rollercoaster ride.  Many stressors are often present and ups and downs just seem to occupy my days.  However, I think so much of this is related to my eating disorder.  I like to believe life will become easier to navigate once I gain a firm handle on everything else.  However, even if things stay the say, I believe I am doing rather and will continue.  It would just be nice to feel a better sense of stability.

It’s a new week, and I hope it will be free of depression, anxiety, and nothing but losing to an eating disorder.  I like to believe it will be a good one.  I have no reason not to believe this.  It’s just hard knowing things can quickly change.  I never know when those thoughts will present themselves and possibly overpower me.  It’s a fear I have, and I am justified in having it, even though I need to try to not let the fear become something that holds me back as much as the eating disorder itself does.

So, here’s to a better week than last week and positive steps toward recovery.

A Little of Today

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I’ve struggled a lot today.  I’ve not only felt fat, but I also had a meltdown about it.  It’s incredibly difficult to embrace a positive change in my life right now.  Gaining weight really has me beyond horrified.

I haven’t weighed in a few days.  I’ve been curious about my weight, but I have been too scared to see the number.  I think I have gained rather than lost, and the thought really worries me, even though it shouldn’t.

I’m continuing to try to work through these thoughts and put them in their place, but it has not been easy.  I’ve managed to keep them from entirely overcoming me, but it has not been easy or pretty.

I’ve already sort of given up on today being a good day.  It’s been horrible since the beginning.  However, I am already trying to focus on tomorrow. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing.  I suppose I just like to look for hope anywhere I can find it, and it is possible in existence tomorrow.

The possibility of a better tomorrow is important to me, especially since my anxiety has been extra intense lately.  My anxiety and eating disorder often seem to go hand in hand.  It’s strange how it works, but at the same time, it makes sense.

I’ve not felt as down lately, as I have in the past, but I have been exhausted.  I think I have been too tired to feel anything else along with the anxiety.  I’ve been frustrated, but it hasn’t been much worse than that, which is probably a good thing.

However, I know I can begin to feel incredibly down if I step on a scale and confirm that I have gained weight.  I was losing weight, and even though it was the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing, it still made me feel better about myself in some twisted way.  Regardless of what I know I should do and how I feel about it, the number still matters to me.  I cannot help that.  My weight still matters far too much, even though I wish it did not, and the food that surrounds me is still perceived as a threat.  It’s ridiculous, even though true.

Ultimately, it is still about numbers, it is still about winning some and losing some, and it is still about trying to find a place of stability from which I can move forward, improve, and grow.  I’m beginning to think that if I reach a place of recovery, I am still going to carry a lot of my eating disordered life with me in my thoughts.  However, I think the difference will be that they are only thoughts; they will be able to be silenced, even if not easily, and not hold power over my life in this manner.

So, a little of today will still be a part of my future, and this is a scary thought.  However, it is the reality I understand, and I have to reach a place of acceptance.  I don’t think I am supposed to do this just yet.  I cannot do everything at once.  I’m still struggling far too much with just getting through a day to even think about everything I am eventually going to have to work through and integrate into my daily life.  However, as I said, this will always remain with me in some way, so I suppose it is best to just keep trying to come out on the positive side, even if I just cannot seem to fight my way to that side today.

New Day

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It’s a new day.  However, today really hasn’t been different than other days.  It just is what it is.

When I woke up this morning, I felt really lethargic.  My body just felt weak.  I laid in bed for awhile before finally managing to drag myself out of bed and walk into the kitchen.  I made myself coffee but stopped there.  Breakfast isn’t a part of my world.

I managed to finally eat a small lunch, but I have felt incredibly guilty since.  After waking up this morning, I checked to make sure all my bones were visible.  They were.  However, I’m terrified fat will cover them tomorrow.  It sounds crazy, and I understand that my thinking is faulty, but I cannot help it.  It is just how it is.

It’s been difficult today, but this is not anything new.  I suppose I am just more disappointed than usual.  I had hoped today would be different.  It’s not, though. It’s still just a typical day in my world.

Even though I have a healthy mindset at times, I cannot change how I feel when I look into the mirror.  I cannot make myself see something different.  I cannot stop myself from weighing constantly and letting the number dictate my self-worth.  I’m still stuck and held back by so much.  Yet, it still somehow all falls on me to fix, and I am not sure I know how.

I wish I understood more about how this even started in my life.  I understand it enough, but at the same time, even with having my theories, I somehow feel as if I still haven’t figured it out well enough to fix it.  Maybe no one ever pinpoints the exact moment it became a problem.  I think it becomes a problem before one realizes it, and it becomes a matter of trying to regain the control once believed to have possessed.  It’s scary it happens.

All I know is that I will one day be free of it.  I don’t know if that will be when I die or because I actually recover, but one day it will no longer have power over me.  I choose to believe this will happen while I am still alive.  I like the way that sense of hope makes me feel.

I believe in God, and I know that His plan for me is so much more than this.  With each new day, the hope He provides still can be found.  Sometimes, it is the only thing that makes sense in my world, and it is often enough to find a way to try harder, even when I just want to give up trying.  This is something good in my life.

Tomorrow will hopefully be better.  There is still time for today to improve.  I think I just live for new days right now.  I at least feel the chance to redeem myself with each new one.

Choosing to Try

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I’ve continued to watch my weight drop a bit.  Even though a part of me loves it, there is another part of me that knows it is not a good thing.  It’s the healthy part of me.

I’ve not been eating very much, which is nothing new, but I was doing so much better than what I have been doing.  It’s discouraging.  I keep telling myself this is normal, but it doesn’t make me feel better about it.

I have some moment of guilt for not doing very well.  I was moving forward in a positive direction, and I have suddenly stopped traveling down that part, or I have at least stopped traveling down that path more often than not.  However, there is a part of me that likes not eating.  There is a part of me that likes the way it makes me feel.  It’s those two parts of me that are constantly at war.

Today, I have vowed to do better.  The part of me that is healthy is strong right now.  However, I have not been able to make myself eat.  The desire to try is there, though, which is a positive right now.

It’s just been a rollercoaster lately.  Ups and downs have been the norm, and honestly, I think this holds true for many things in many lives.  It’s not exclusive to just eating disorders.

Over the course of this week, I am taking a few necessary steps to try to get back on the right path before I completely derail.  I’m trying to be proactive.  None of these steps may help, but it’s worth a try.

I guess you can say I have made the decision to not give up just yet, which seemed to be the decision I was going to make a few days ago.  It just seemed easier.  However, I am tired of what the eating disorder has done in my life.  It’s taken a lot from me and has destroyed relationships.  I don’t want it to continue to do those things.

Today, I am choosing to try, even if I fail.  It’s hard, though.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life.  So many people say to just eat, but it’s not that simple.  Ultimately, it’s not about food.  It represents something else.  An eating disorder is a manifestation of something entirely different than simply just refusing to eat.  I’ve understood this for awhile.

Decisions

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Lately, things in my life have seemed out of control.  I’ve been very unhappy.  A lot of changes are taking place, and I do not like a lot of them.  There are some things I can change, but I cannot change them all.  I feel a lack of control concerning things in my life, and this has made me become extra hard on myself.  It’s been something that has fed my eating disorder.

My eating disorder has been extra cruel lately.  It just will not leave me alone.  It’s constantly there, and it has worn me down.  I actually wanted to officially give up today.  I looked at my body in a mirror and studied every ounce of fat.  I felt hideous and disgusting.  I felt ashamed of myself. All I could think about was how I wanted to stop eating, and this thought still hasn’t left my mind.

At this point, I have the choice of submitting to the grip of my eating disorder fully again or continuing to fight it.  It’s a choice, even if it does not always feel like one.  I know a lot of it is up to me, which is unfortunate at times.

At my worst, I was so sick that I truly was teetering on the edge of life and death.  I’m still not very far removed from this, but I am at least not teetering, even though I am still too close to that edge.

I’ve been asked more than once if I wanted to die.  It was always a hard question to answer.  I never felt it was the right one.  I felt it was more an issue of whether or not I could find it within me to do what it took to live.  It’s always been complicated.  However, I was so sick that I was having serious issues.  I understand what it feels like to be so malnourished that my body feeds on itself.  It’s scary stuff.

I still ultimately do not know how things will turn out for me.  However, I know this is not what my life is supposed to be like.  It’s not what God intended to be my purpose in life.  Life is just really complicated for me right now.  I believe it is moving forward in some way, but I am still very unclear on what this path is going to look like along the way and where it will ultimately lead.

So, for today, all I can do is continue to tell myself this is my decision.  I have the choice of whether or not I surrender or fight.  I can remind myself of what it feels like to be too close to that edge.  I can try to enjoy what it feels like to be far enough away from the edge that I can breathe a little.  Yes, my eating disorder has been cruel and is not easy to fight, but as hard as it is for me to admit, I am the one who ever allowed it to have a voice and power in my life, which means I am the one who can silence and destroy it.  It’s just a matter of whether or not I will.

My Life Today

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When I woke up yesterday, I was determined to not eat a single thing.  I was feeling extra fat and upset and just wanted nothing to do with food.  I didn’t care if I ended up back into a full blown eating disorder.  It’s just how I felt.

I was struggling with a lot of things yesterday and was having a hard time wanting to make final decisions regarding certain things.  I just wanted to be left alone and not face the world.  It just felt too hard.

By early afternoon, however, I decided to eat something small, which I did.  I felt guilty after I ate it, but this was not a new feeling.  It’s normal for me.  I spent the next few hours obsessing over how much exercise I needed to do to get rid of it.  I just felt disgusting and was upset with myself for eating.

By the end of the day, I felt I was an absolute mess.  All I wanted to do was cry and completely shut myself off from everyone else.  I was tired of trying to put up the front that I am okay.  I didn’t have the energy.

Today, I still just want to be alone.  I don’t want to see anyone.  I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, even if they are telling me to starve myself.  I just feel as if no one understands what I am feeling, and it has become extremely difficult to even try to explain myself anymore.  I just don’t want to put forth that effort right now.

Today, as I type this, all I can think about is how I want to disappear.  I want to escape all of this.  I don’t have the option of truly doing these things, so sleeping will have to do.  It won’t be difficult because I am absolutely exhausted.  It will probably also do me some good.  I seem to think better when I am not fighting sleep.

My anxiety level is somewhat low right now, which surprises me, but I think it is because I am just too tired to think and process how I feel.  I am feeling very down about things, but this has been normal for me lately.  I’m trying to be optimistic, but it is not always easy, and sometimes, I just feel like taking the easy road instead.  I can’t always do the thing I know I should do, unfortunately.

I think the key right now is just rest for me.  I cannot verbally express how tired I am.  It makes it hard to want to do anything, especially deal with an eating disorder.  Hopefully, after getting rest today, I will make more sense tomorrow.  Until then, this is my life today.