I’ve struggled a lot today. I’ve not only felt fat, but I also had a meltdown about it. It’s incredibly difficult to embrace a positive change in my life right now. Gaining weight really has me beyond horrified.
I haven’t weighed in a few days. I’ve been curious about my weight, but I have been too scared to see the number. I think I have gained rather than lost, and the thought really worries me, even though it shouldn’t.
I’m continuing to try to work through these thoughts and put them in their place, but it has not been easy. I’ve managed to keep them from entirely overcoming me, but it has not been easy or pretty.
I’ve already sort of given up on today being a good day. It’s been horrible since the beginning. However, I am already trying to focus on tomorrow. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I suppose I just like to look for hope anywhere I can find it, and it is possible in existence tomorrow.
The possibility of a better tomorrow is important to me, especially since my anxiety has been extra intense lately. My anxiety and eating disorder often seem to go hand in hand. It’s strange how it works, but at the same time, it makes sense.
I’ve not felt as down lately, as I have in the past, but I have been exhausted. I think I have been too tired to feel anything else along with the anxiety. I’ve been frustrated, but it hasn’t been much worse than that, which is probably a good thing.
However, I know I can begin to feel incredibly down if I step on a scale and confirm that I have gained weight. I was losing weight, and even though it was the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing, it still made me feel better about myself in some twisted way. Regardless of what I know I should do and how I feel about it, the number still matters to me. I cannot help that. My weight still matters far too much, even though I wish it did not, and the food that surrounds me is still perceived as a threat. It’s ridiculous, even though true.
Ultimately, it is still about numbers, it is still about winning some and losing some, and it is still about trying to find a place of stability from which I can move forward, improve, and grow. I’m beginning to think that if I reach a place of recovery, I am still going to carry a lot of my eating disordered life with me in my thoughts. However, I think the difference will be that they are only thoughts; they will be able to be silenced, even if not easily, and not hold power over my life in this manner.
So, a little of today will still be a part of my future, and this is a scary thought. However, it is the reality I understand, and I have to reach a place of acceptance. I don’t think I am supposed to do this just yet. I cannot do everything at once. I’m still struggling far too much with just getting through a day to even think about everything I am eventually going to have to work through and integrate into my daily life. However, as I said, this will always remain with me in some way, so I suppose it is best to just keep trying to come out on the positive side, even if I just cannot seem to fight my way to that side today.